An Upperchurch-Drombane Production
IN A WORLD OF ALL-HUMAN VELO-REVOUTION DOMINATION, CAN ONE MAN BREAK THEIR SUPREMACY. CAN RYAN BEAR THIS CROSS, OR MUST WE ALL LOOK ON JEALOUSLY?
Directed by and featuring; Jerry Ryan as Jerry Ryan, Richard Maes as Richard Maes, introducing Grace Young as Grace Young, and announcing John Kennedy as the race narrator guy, UDCC brings you Ryan’s Water. A tale of cross and double cross on Erin’s coast-less county and how dirty deeds unfolded in Upper Church Drombane.
NARRATOR: Jerry Ryan, the quiet man of cross, set out his stall early, innocently broadcasting a poster with the picture of a babbling brook under one of Tipperary’s many bridges.
PAN TO MAES, ANGRY: ‘What’s this, a river crossing to threaten my victory’?
NARRATOR: Has Jerry finally thrown the gauntlet, does he mean Maes’ wins have brimmed over? Will his winning streak kick the bucket? Has Ryan set out to rain on his parade?
MAES: “I’ll bring a flippin* wetsuit if I have to” [*this release is PG, due to all the juniors].
CUT TO PAUL BIRCHALL, PLAYING ‘SIXTY: “And you can borrow my snorkel”.
FADE TO GRACE YOUNG: Ominously silent and looking serenely into the middle distance.
NARRATOR: Ryan was silent too, just leaving his characters flushed with anticipation.
RYAN: “Water? Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t”.
RYAN TO LOCATION MANAGER: “I want a location that no one but google maps thinks exists and even with that, most of the cinema goers must think they are on the course already, turning right left, left right to the soundtrack of “recalculating route”. “This ain’t no Mícháel Corkery Spaghetti Western, I’m creating an epic”.
NARRATOR: Ryan had raised expectations; the audience had paid their entry by Thursday and bums were on saddles on Sunday, when suddenly ugly whispers began to circulate in the GAA carpark.
PG CROWD AND MATINÉE GOERS: “Ryan has us fooled, we’ll not be river crossing. No river runs through it”.
RYAN (looking all Robert Redford like): “Water? Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t”.
NARRATOR: Disappointment was palpable amongst the one person who had invested in sealskins socks, but others knew the from the director who had brought us “The Fissure” that there was going to be a twist, but where and when, no one was sure. Just where is Ryan’s Water?
B-racers tighten their toe straps, [EDITOR “this isn’t a black and white movie”].
TAKE 2: B-racers fasten their race numbers to their backs, and grimace at the pain of those tiny pins puncturing their body fat.
NARRATOR: “And they’re off, and in the front line we have 3 B riders soon to be ‘A’sB’s…but’s what this a faller, wait, he’s abandoned his bike, he’s running backwards…”
IN PELETON ACTION SHOT: Riders hustle and bustle when, “Kadunk!”, an object falls in slow motion from a rider to the ground.
RIDER: “I think your phone fell out” as the tyres of the rest of the fleet bury it deep.
ASHAMED RIDER: “Oh God my phone! My Strava! Phew, found it. Hold on. Where is everyone?”
ASHAMED RIDER’S ARCH NEMESIS: “Ha ha, text me when you’re close” Overdub maniacal laugh.
NARRATOR: Jerry Ryan watched proceedings from a safe distance. Riders were scattered to the four corners of his plot. He had them by the fences, he had them by the old barn, he had them by the shorts and he had them by the curly sections. Over by the river there was mud but no water. On the bridge was Sean Rowe and on his knees was Michael Buckley. Through the start line they raced, past the savannah rich with wildlife [Okay, okay the budget only went as far as two ponies] and around to the pits, where bikes were being furiously washed powerfully.
CUT TO GRACE YOUNG: Steely, determined, passing man by man, coming through the mist, bike spotlessly clean. She only breaks her silence to welcome Niamh O’Dwyer from Leinster to Munster and then to bid farewell to her and rival Marcia Salvador. She lets the bike tyres find their furrow and takes the win.
MAES: “Ha Ryan, you couldn’t throw cold water on our team’s first win. All Human All Conquering.”
RYAN (Looking all Robert Redford like): “Water? Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t”.
NARRATOR OVERDUB HEROIC MUSIC: Grace Young’s comparative times would have placed her 3rd in the Men’s A Race and she would have won the B Race. Marcia would have been 17th in both the A and B race.
BACKGROUND SOUND OF POWERUFUL SPRAY: A steady stream of B racers make their way up to the pits to collect their muddied machines as the A racers do sprints and practice bunny hops, occasionally breaking into the queue with a quick ‘can I wash my tyres’ and ‘thank you’. The line lengthens as the B racers make races in their minds out of their petty rivalries. “I would have had you had I not fallen”, “I should have used my spare bike”, Maybe if you hadn’t dropped your phone, you would have beaten me to 30th”.
NARRATOR’s VOICE: “Here we are on the line of Round #3 of the Munster League. Hennerby and Barry are sizing up Maes, league leader who remains so far undefeated. He shares a word with teammate and national champion Trever Woods. What is Maes thinking?”
MAES THINKING: “What did Ryan mean about the pits. Surely it’s just the pits?”
NARRATOR: “And they’re off! Maes has a cracking start. Barry right behind, and Woods on his wheel.
THE CROWD: “Go on Richies! Howr’ya Pa. Wow David Baily’s tyres are still on after the first corner!
NARRATOR: “Maes has 20 seconds and there’s nothing anyone can do. Maybe we should tie a weight on him like in the old days or we should set him off on an OldVelo. Santa might give him one”
MEANWHILE AT THE PITS: Maes thunders in, giving instruction to bike catcher and bike giver. “I’ll get it back in a half lap” and departs leaving a muddied machine on the ground in front of the awe-struck crowd.
A KILLARNEY MOTHER: “There’s an awful lot of Tipperary on that bike, quick get it to the power washer.”
CUT TO RYAN: Ryan races by, half an eye on his opposition, but his mind on something else entirely. “Water? Maybe there is Maes, maybe there isn’t”.
NARRATOR: “Looking out from my gantry I can see the ground is really being dug up. There’s muddy bikes and muddy faces, riders are slipping, and some are stuffing grass in all the wrong places”.
MEANWHILE AT THE PITS: Bikes are being washed by the double, muddy detritus litters the floors, special attention is being paid to chains and gears. Over the shouts or riders egressing and departing (ahem, apologies about that Richie Barry!) the Killarney mother’s sobs could be heard lamenting her son’s late and loved derailleurs. “I’ll pay you back mother honest” says young Sam Bolger, “just let me win the juniors”. Then Maes thunders in.
MAES: “Reduce the pressure in the front by one PSI, I’ll be back in half a lap”. The crowd blow on their hands imaging what one PSI feels like. What magician can gauge that?
Meanwhile Ryan does his own dastardly calculations.
RYAN: “If it takes 42 B riders, 3 Ladies, 16 U-16, 14-U14, 12 -U12 10 U-10, 8-U8 and 7 an hour and a half to wash their bikes there should only be so much time till…
MEANWHILE AT THE PITS: “…Ryan’s Water ran out!”
CUE PANDEMONIUM: “Quick find some sticks”. “Does anyone have any brushes” … “Here young fella, give me your water bottle” … “Heh you, are you finished with your coffee”. “Pull the grass out of the sprocket” “How? With your teeth, I don’t care!”
MEANWHILE AT THE RACE: Richie Maes did run out winner, Richie Barry 2nd and Trever Woods 3rd.
NARRATOR: “And so ends our tale of deeds and misdeeds in Upperchurch Drombane. The All-Human Velo Revolution duo do it again. Cue the anthem…. A Maes n’ Grace
Special Mention: With thanks and gratitude to all at Upper Church-Drombane CC, their cups now filleth over, but probably not with Ryan’s Water.
Cinematography: Michael Buckley and Sean Rowe
Voiceover: John Kennedy